Fathers and Daughters

Fathers and Daughters

One phrase I can vividly remember my father repeatedly saying to me while growing up was, “A penny for your thoughts.”  In my mind, I would reply, you should be rich by now.  However, I’d always come up with an answer even if I wasn’t consciously thinking of anything at that moment.  His steadfastness with that prompt taught me that whatever I was thinking at any given moment was important to somebody.  So, when I’m riding with my kids, I often engage them in conversation just to see what’s going on with them.  One such time, I was in the car with Lil Gal listening to a song and she asked me, “Mom, what are you thinking?”  It hit me so hard when she finally got my attention because I was lost in realizing a blessing that God had saw so fit to give my daughter and me – a father’s love.  We were listening to a song called “Your Joy” by Chrisete Michele.  She’s singing about the joy of the father/daughter relationship.  She knows without a doubt that she is her father’s joy and he is her joy from the time she was born up through adulthood.  It hit me so hard that by marrying my husband (who is a Godly and loving), I had gifted the Taylor with the same gift my mom gave me – a father who loves her unconditionally.  I’ve been so caught up in “being grown” that I’d taken my father’s love for granted.  I think she understood it when I explained it to her that this was my most treasured gift to her.  I told her not all girls have a father who thinks the world of them and gets up every day to make sure they are okay.  Some fathers fail to thank God for the blessings a daughter brings.  They don’t raise their girls and they don’t protect their girls.  Giving advice to their daughters never crosses their minds because they are wrapped up in self.  Well, “Lil Gal,” I said through tears in my eyes, “If I did not do anything else right, I’ve shared a father’s love with you.”  She does not get it now, just like I did not get it when I was her age.  But I get how precious a gift it is now, especially after a scare we had recently.

My father was picking Lil Gal up from cheer practice to help me out by getting the kids from one place to another.   He is not the best texter, so when I received a text saying, “I have at sch. Can talk. Stoke?” I thought he was saying, “I have Taylor at school.  Can you talk? Shorty? (that’s my nickname).   Unusual at this time of the day, I was near my phone.   So, I immediately called him to tease him about the cryptic message.  As soon as I heard his voice, I translated the message correctly, “I am at the school.  I CAN’T TALK. I’m having a stroke?”  The next few moments were some of the hardest moments of my life.  The paramedics were called, the school was called, and Lil Gal was protected from running out joyously to Big Papa’s car after practice only to find him struggling for his life.  While driving to the hospital, in my deepest moments of fear, I could hear Crisete Michele’s song, “You’ll always be my father, and I’ll always be your joy.”

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to recount either of these stories without crying.  Father’s Day means so much more to me this year.  I have two wonderful men in my life who are loving the women in their lives unconditionally and each night that we fall asleep, we know that we are their joy.

Conversations with a Butterfly

Conversations with a Butterfly

There are certain times of the year where we can depend on animal sightings annually recurring.  For the fall, I count how many squirrels survive a mad dash across the street for that perfect nut.   The others who were a  little less fortunate are silently honored for their courage that failed them in that last moment of risk.  During the winter, I look the skies for the millions of birds preparing for their sojourn south.  My daughter and I pretend they are having traveling rallies when they congregate on the electrical lines in our neighborhood.  We make up conversations for the chatter we hear overhead as we drive beneath them or walk into the grocery store.  The summer is a time for those dag blasted mosquitoes to spread their little tiny wings and irritate me every time I walk out the door.  My blood type has been a favorite of theirs since I was a little girl.  It’s like I have happy hour written on my forehead and they flood the door to find the perfect table to talk with their friends about the hard day at work.  

The spring brings millions of butterflies.   They are beautiful and they are everywhere.  Not a spring has passed in the five years or so that I have not cleared a path for a fat and hairy caterpillar in our garage.   I want to make sure each one finds a place to rest and begin that beautiful process of metamorphosis because of the gift that God gives us with each emergence – a butterfly.  I began noticing the delicacy and beauty of butterflies when I had my children.  We walked around in the field a lot when we moved into our house.  The grass had not grown and we had a lot full of weeds.  My son and daughter thought they were flowers so we often took a look around.  Although it took me a while, I picked up on how often the butterflies landed on them.   With my encouragement, they remained still and watched the butterflies on each other.  I explained to them that they were special to have butterflies land on them because they don’t land on just anybody.  Quickly, it just became a way of life.  If we went walking, the butterflies landed on them.    We even stopped talking about it as if it was a phenomenon.  We just knew that at least one of them would have an encounter with a butterfly as if they were just joining us for a walk.  Everyone would acknowledge the butterfly’s arrival and keep talking as if it rightly belonged on the sleeve, on the back, or even on the forehead of the person it chose to rest. 

I was recently reminded of how relaxing and comforting those walks and conversations with my children were when talking with a woman.  She too had encountered a butterfly and oh what comfort it brought her, for days.   It was then that I realized how much like butterflies in the spring are like God.  They are everywhere taking care of busy.  We do not really pay attention to them unless something happens like they land on us or we see one underfoot as we walk out of the house.  But oh if we are still, we can truly appreciate them.  They are busy working every time they land – their little body parts are furiously moving.  It’s that way with God.   He is everywhere.  We pay attention to him when something monumental happens; the loss of a loved one, getting a new job, a body ache that won’t go away, or a kid that just won’t act right.  But if we are caught up in the routine of life, we take Him for granted.   Whenever we reach the “springs” in our life whether it is an April Storm or May Flowers, we remember to have a Conversation with a Butterfly, excuse me a Conversation with God.  He is always ready to travel with us but do we always turn to Him. 

Many people shoo away butterflies just like they shoo away God.  He’s speaking and they ignore Him.  He awakens them at 4:00 a.m. to spend time with Him, and they shoo him away.  He even warns us that something we are about to do is certainly not the way to go, and we keep going anyway.   As I encouraged my children to do when butterflies first began landing on them, we need to be still.   When we are flailing about and running, a butterfly gets killed or quickly flies away, failing in their attempt to land.  When God is talking to us, if we are moving around too much and concerned about other things, we kill our fellowship with Him.  He wants to spend time with us and it is so peaceful.  If you are not still, you won’t feel HIM.   Just like my kids and I began to do after so many butterfly visits, you begin to take God for granted.   But He is not to be taken for granted.  Have the spirit of a child when you spend time with Him.  Look at and listen to Him in awe.  Just like the butterfly has a lot of work to do, God has a lot of work to do in YOU.  Take some time to have a conversation with a butterfly.  Excuse me, a Conversation with God.    

“I hope your children don’t disappoint you.”

“I hope your children don’t disappoint you.”

Someone said this to me, jokingly, last week.  However, I have heard people say this of our children when discussing  how much time we spend with them or on them.    They are referring to the sacrifices and disciplines we have concerning the raising of the children.  People have told us we are too strict, we have them in too many activities, or we make too many sacrifices to accommodate them.  

I actually find it rather insulting because it really is not about our children disappointing us as much as it about us disappointing them.   There are so many intricate components of parenting that we will surely miss many of them. 

However, what we will not do is sacrifice their sanity by acting a fool in the home. 

We will not sacrifice their education by refusing to keep a reasonable routine which supports adequate sleep, healthy mealtimes, regular exercise, and efficient study habits. 

We will not sacrifice their spiritual growth by lying in bed on Sunday morning, neglecting family devotion time and missing youth night on Monday evening. 

We will not sacrifice their ability to love by talking to them as if they are trash or a dog on the street. 

We will not sacrifice their sense of community by supporting selfishness and civic ignorance.   

And we will not sacrifice their sense of family by allowing them to eat dinner while watching hours of television or play video games. 

With the blessing of children, God expects us to raise them and provide for them according to His word.   He does not sacrifice our eternity because he loves us.  Why are we sacrificing our children?  They do not stand a chanSe if we fail them.  There are so many opportunities afforded people today but society is creating an abundance of youth who have a destructive sense of entitlement or slouches who have little motivation to move  beyond mediocrity.    Parents, stand up and raise your children.

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Maya Angelou

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Maya Angelou

Ms. Angelou summed up in eleven words what it has taken me years to accept about people and about myself – especially when it involves relationships.  Relationships require such insurmountable time to manage and we often ignore this premise when we venture into them.  As a family therapist, I see people daily who struggle with using the information they have to make definitive choices about the future of their relationship.  For people who are not struggling with mental illness, I truly believe that most want to change enough to establish or maintain a healthy relationship.   However, there are some who are hardened and incapable of seeing past the faults of others to work on themselves. 

When any person in a relationship demonstrates day in and day out, they are not willing to change, each needs to make a decision about several areas in the union.  The first decision is whether or not to seek help in dealing the dysfunction that has permeated the household.  People readily seek medical treatment for physical ailments; financial advising for credit problems; and religious guidance for spiritual fulfillment.  However, when they need emotional or behavioral assistance, they ignore the symptoms for far too long.  By the time many access professional clinical help for these areas, they have done critical damage to the home.  Would you trust a person who advised you to wait until you faint 20 times before you call your physician?  For most people, this is not the case – I hope. 

The second decision to make is how much effort each is willing to invest in repairing the damage in the home.  This is essential in moving forward as it will affect the outcome; little motivation will likely result in little progress.    The third decision is identifying the cease fire guidelines.  When all has been done  - what then?

So, if I change a few words on Ms. Angelou’s famous quote to state – WHEN a person shows you who they are, believe them – then it becomes very applicable for relationships.  People change.  So, the person you met at the movie theatre, the skating rink, or some other memorable place is not the same person ten years later.  What they would have done for you ten years ago, either seems trivial right now or unbelievable.  You are now at a point where you are taking everything day by day with thoughts and feelings changing as quickly as a newborn’s diaper.   Behaviors and moods you would have taken for granted ten years ago, now are under a microscope.  With each person operating under a microscope, you have to consider what is presented.  If a person tells you they don’t care and they are not going to change, then you make a decision based on that information and not on the behaviors you desire.  At some point, you have to begin believing the person for who they are.    

Please let me know what you think?  Send a link to the blog to your friends.  Thank you for your time.

Kid Query

My 11 year old daughter asked me today, "What would you do if I told you to shut up?"  My immediate reply was a loud, hysterical laugh while saying, "We would so miss you but we'd prepare a great funeral service for you."  Her friend seriously replied, "No really, Mrs. Alexander.  What would you do because there is a boy in 4th grade who tells his dad to shut up all the time."  So, now I see they are serious. 

Even 11 years old know the misfortune of a child telling a parent to shut up.  Proverbs 6:20 says:

"My child, guard the commands of your father and do not forsake the instruction of your mother."  As parents, God has blessed us with the gift of children.  It is our responsiblity to HIM, to properly and diligently raise them for HIM.  If we do not instruct them, guide them, discipline them, enjoy them, love them, and many more things, we have failed in our responsibility to God.  We can not allow our children to grow wild as a field and expect a fruitful garden when they arrive at the age of accountability.  If we do not prune and tend to them, they will only produce weeds and vile greenery. 

So, for my reply to them - "Honestly, girls, I would not have that problem because I have not raised either of my children to believe they can say JUST anything to me."  That is what is wrong with the child.  There are a million and one reasons why children respond to their parents in such a disrespectful manner.  But the bottom line is - this child has been allowed to think it is okay for him to talk to his parents in this manner. 

Let's Get Started

I have struggled with the decision to start a blog for quite some time.  In my daily work with families, individuals, professionals, etc - I spend a lot of time listening and offering what I believe to be common sense responses to help them bring some peace and stability to their lives.

However, as a professional counselor, I am often called upon to diplomatically listen to a lot of things which are pure nonsense.  I call it nonsense because many of the problems are drastically opposed to God's word and people want rewards for their misbehavior.   There are those who are truly confused about what is next in their lives or how to manage past traumas and misfortunes.  However, I have encountered more than a reasonable amount of people who simply suffer from a really bad word - ENTITLEMENT.

So, my prayer with this blog is to challenge people to stop living in the world of make believe.  Come to the real world and do things which will result in the least amount of negative consequences. 

We will see how this goes.